Wrestling with Life

After reading back through my previous posts I was reminded of the beauty of documenting life through this little blog. It's so good for my heart to re-read just how far I have come over the past year & to see the life changing events that have taken place, whether those are just daily life tasks or major life milestones. It's just so easy to forget those details  in the midst of new journeys &/or trials. So, here I am again... attempting to blog and document life! 

To be completely honest, I find myself in a season of self-discovery and acceptance. A stay at home mom to two little ones and pregnant with the biggest surprise of our life, I constantly have to remind myself daily, that this IS God's plan and it's all for a reason. This pregnancy has not been easy, physically, mentally, or emotionally. But it's happening during one of the toughest times for many around us, reminding us of God's blessing on our family. We're learning to love, grieve, process, and accept things we never imagined and it's so tough, yet so good for our ever-changing hearts & souls. This is life. And this is what life is about. Growing, changing & loving...

I'm continually asking myself "who am I" and "just where do I fit in..."! I'm sure every mom has wrestled with these questions, but they're starting to form the whirlwind of life I'm currently in and it's rather overwhelming. So, this is me reminding myself, I don't have to have it all together and most likely never will, but being real and vulnerable is usually a good place to start! 

So, as of now, I'm 23 weeks pregnant with Autumn Grace, our biggest surprise. We thought we were done having kids after two, simply bc we had such a rough time with Ivy as a newborn (so much depression & exhaustion left us drowning). When we felt like we finally started to get a handle on life again, that was exactly when God threw us the curve ball of finding out we were pregnant (while on birth control & before Ivy even turned 1).  After several weeks of this sinking in, we thought we lost Autumn because of some complications, but she has proven to be a fighter! God has given us peace & grace during the processing time for all of it to sink in. And now we are so eager to meet her in February... Ivy has just started walking this week at 16 months old and has entered a stage of cuteness, that is just heart-melting, with her talking & understanding so much more. This has been a breath of fresh air from her previous phase, her very unhappy infant phase. Zeek is still such a sweet big brother with the most tender heart, but just as rambunctious & my lil super-hero fighting, dirt loving boy! I love watching how sweet he is talking about and informing everyone of miss Autumn Grace in my belly. Jonny is really enjoying his job these days, but it does come with some tough situations that make relationships & life difficult (cancer, death, divorce, sin, etc.)! But God is good & is constantly giving us both understanding, peace, & grace during these times! ... That's where we are, living in constant grace and love trying to process life as best as we can! 

A Simple Birth Story

Just as this pregnancy was completely opposite from my first, so was was this delivery...

It was the day before my birthday, ten days before Ivy's expected arrival date, and I was in complete denial that I was even in labor. I had been contracting since 1am on that Sunday. My contractions lasted all day long, some every 30mins & some every 10mins, but there was no consistency to indicate it was the real deal. The contractions were extremely painful (more than any I ever felt with my son), but I continued to only note the timing of them. I was convinced it was false labor and I'd be turned away if I went to the hospital and that was the last thing I wanted... 

6pm rolled around and I was in excruciating pain, so with Zeeks bedtime coming up I convinced my husband to take him to his parents house to stay the night since I had a doctors appointment in the morning anyway. Plus, I figured I'd rest better that night knowing he wasn't there in case something did happen. Once Jonny came back, he saw me experience the pain of another contraction and he demanded we go to the hospital, even if it was just for pain meds. On the drive there, my contractions completely stopped, so we leisurely drove around (again, so I wouldn't get turned away) and we ended up at the drive thru of Zaxby's for some crushed ice to chomp on (my main pregnancy craving). In the drive thru another contraction hit. One with force and power that left me in tears... My husband again, demanded we go to the hospital, so we continued on our way. 

We arrived at the hospital around 7:30pm and things were progressing very slow... so slow they said they had to monitor me to see if there was any progress before they admitted me (exactly my fear). So, I walked around the room in circles trying to keep the contractions coming. They decided to finally admit us. The nurse checked me one more time, which is when I found myself in even more pain than ever, my water had just broke. They rushed to get me an epidural, which I received by 9:30. And remembering the 17 hour labor process with my son, we got all settled in and started watching netflix on the laptop, Property Brothers was our choice for the night. With not even one full episode complete the nurse came back to check on me and declared it was time to get the nurses and doctors ready... it was pushing time! Whew... that happened a lot faster than expected!

By 11:15pm everyone was in the room ready to proceed. The clock was ticking and we were all convinced I would be sharing a birthday with this sweet babe. It took several hours of pushing before my son arrived, so yet again, we were surprised when that was not the case. It took two pushes and they were telling me to stop pushing because she was here! At 11:45 Ivy Savannah entered this world so peacefully and beautifully! (And I'm selfishly thankful we both have our own birth date...) 

*All pictures taken by my sweet sister in-law, Kelsey Brush

Third Trimester

The third trimester, what everyone seems to dread. It's usually when you have the most aches, pains, & discomfort! Yes, all of that was very true of this pregnancy. As much as I enjoy being pregnant, this time around was very different. If I'm being honest, I was ready for Ivy to make her debut around 34 weeks and time seemed to drag on. It wasn't just because of the obvious physical reasons I was ready to not be pregnant (nausea, back pain, joint pain, swelling, etc), but it was because I was ready to take the plunge & start the transition into newborn life! I'm the type that wants to just do it & get it over with. Anticipation seems to be worse than anything for me...  My emotions seemed to be all over the place with excitement to meet our girl, yet fear & hesitation of what a new baby could do to our family and my relationship with my son continued to creep in! The fears consumed me and I was just ready to not live in that anticipation anymore, but to live the reality of whatever life might bring! ... I'll admit, it was such a relief and blessing from God that we welcomed sweet Ivy at 38 weeks and she was definitely worth that long wait! 

Back with an Update

I know it's been awhile since I've been on here... But most of you know that with a toddler running around all day you hardly find time to yourself. And by the time they do go down for a nap, that's all you want to do too, sleep, especially during pregnancy! Then when they're down for bedtime, all you have energy to do is snuggle up to your hubby & watch some Netflix. Well, that's been my reality & reasoning for neglecting this little blog lately... But I'm feeling the urge to post again before Ivy makes her arrival, so I can keep friends & family updated during that special time of life! Here's an update on life & pregnancy... 

I'm currently 35 weeks along. And these past 35 weeks have been the longest weeks ever for me & my family. A whirlwind of ups & downs and a slew of emotions. It has been the complete opposite pregnancy from with Zeek, which was the original sign that this sweet baby was going to be a girl! We are beyond thrilled and excited for Ivy Savannah to enter this world and be a part of our family come June. But, we are also very excited for all the pregnancy sickness, aches, pains, emotions, sinus trouble, fears, anxiety, etc. to subside and we're ready to make the transition into being a family of 4!  

Zeek, most of all, is ready to have a play-mate in the house & to meet his sweet sister! He loves talking to her & about her, calling her by name & giving daily kisses. His favorite is to tell people that he listened to her heartbeat with the doctor...  He's almost 2 & 1/2 & this age has been quite a challenge, but just as much joy. He's learning to talk in sentences, but now that he knows how, he's constantly talking up a storm. Let's just say my patience is still growing for this constant chatter... The transition to a big boy room & bed was surprisingly easier than expected. The real challenge is coming with potty training. We were totally on track & 99% there for a good 3-4 weeks, but then the church nursery & his anxiety took over! Starting us back at square one. I'm still trying to get the urge & energy to start another attempt... I'll keep you posted on that one!

It's been so fun & sweet to watch my husbands anticipation for Ivy... Considering that he grew up with 4 boys in his family and no girls, he's very anxious & extremely nervous about the idea of a girl! I have seen God show so much grace already with how Jonny continues to process this and the idea of fathering a girl. I have grown to respect & love him so much more during this pregnancy, watching him grow, love & be there for his family, and prepare for sweet Ivy! I can only imagine how much more my heart will continue growing for him as I watch him father our children. And to see his tender heart love & cherish our sweet girl. We all know she will have him wrapped around her little finger instantly! 

As for me, the sickness & aches/pains of this pregnancy have really taken a toll, more than expected! I never knew my body could be feeling so many different things at once. And that it could take all my energy & strength away in such a short second. On top of the "pregnancy" symptoms, I suffer from allergies, major allergies. I've come to accept that due to pregnancy enhancing them, they are just my pregnancy plague. When I delivered Zeek I remember having a sinus infection & double ear infection. Now with Ivy, I've suffered many infections (ear & sinus), bronchitis, etc for the past 2-3 months. We thank God that there has been some relief, but also praying the relief continues to lift the closer Ivy's arrival comes... We're currently in the stage of back labor pain, braxton hicks, major swelling, & cramping (all things I never experienced with Zeek, hence the reason we're ready for Ivy). And let me just say, cravings are real this time around. I can't live without crushed ice to chomp on and endless amounts of strawberries... Also, pregnancy is throwing so many curve balls of emotion. I'm usually not a very emotional person, but this pregnancy has had me all over the place; Crying at little comments my husband makes (that's never happened in all 6yrs of marriage), becoming a wreck over little decisions like giving our dog away (which didn't happen bc I was so distraught), having so much fear & anxiety about labor/delivery/parenting that it has crippled me from seeing reality at times, having so much love for my son & daughter that all I can do is hold Zeek tight while bawling my eyes out bc I know they grow so stinkin' fast & I won't always get this chance... Pregnancy. What can I say, it's a crazy adventure!

These 35 weeks haven't been all bad, we've seen God's hand guide us in unexpected ways & continually bless us over & over again! God has shown so much mercy with preparing us for this child after our miscarriage, giving us trust in Him above all else! He's blessed our family in  so many unexpected ways, like a family van, a (much needed) beautiful babymoon retreat for me & my hubby,  & wise friends & family to gather around us enhancing the joy of this process! And now, we wait for sweet Ivy's arrival, thanking God for his grace & mercy through all of it!  

iPhone Photo Post

...be prepared for picture overload...

Week 38 & 39.

 Feb. 3, 2013 - The Brush Fam

Sweet faces in the hospital

Best Husband & Daddy award goes to this stud!!

Nala finally meets her brother.

Such a stud... just days old!

My amazing family.

 The sweet necklace my hubby gave me at the hospital.
We have our first little one in our nest!

First grocery shopping trip ended in nap time, for both of us!

 Sleepy boys.

Zeeks first Snow fall & fire... all in the same day! (2 weeks old)

The sweetest little thing.

Morning snuggles are the best.

First lunch date with daddy. (2.5 weeks)

... more snuggles...

First time going to church and daddy was the one leading worship... (3 weeks)

Play time and immediately after = nap time!

 He's such a snuggle bug!

the little things in life!

Unexplainable Joy.

John 16:21: "Whenever a woman is in labor she has pain, because her hour has come; but when she gives birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish because of the joy that a child has been born into the world." 

Words truly can not describe the joy of motherhood!! I'm continually thanking God each day for such an amazing blessing and the gift of my beautiful son! I can not wait to continue on this journey and watch how God continues to bless and grow our family... 

Ezekiel Allen

February 3, 2013 at 5:38pm

Ezekiel Allen Brush arrived

weighing 7.12lbs & 21.5in long
and a full head of hair!

(photos taken by Jaci Brush)

The Nursery

The room at a glance.

The quilt my mom made! 

Book Shelf. & hand painted Psalm 23 canvas from my dear friend Melissa!

The changing station. Diaper stacker my mom made to match the quilt!

My cozy corner! (we still need to cover the lamp shade to match.)

Some little details! (the yarn letters were also made my Melissa!)

Just a Few more...

We received ALL our maternity pictures the other day, so of course I have to share a few of my favorites! Like I said in my previous post all credit and thanks goes to our dear friend Sarah! She is so talented and continues to blow me away! We LOVE all of the pictures... 

 

Go check out more of Sarah's work here!