OK, so a little vulnerability on this one... Do you ever have those moments when you become so overwhelmed with the thought "I did this... it's all my fault" that you can't see beyond it?? Well, for the first time in mommy-hood I had those feelings. That feeling of oh, what have I done?! ... As you can see in the picture Zeek has a 'tilt' with his neck positioning, he slouches to the right. I slowly noticed this after I noticed a flat spot on the right side of his head! Every time I saw it I wanted to blame myself. I kept telling myself "you didn't move him around enough as a newborn," or " you didn't do enough tummy time" etc. Which in fact, I actually did do those things, a lot! I was extremely intentional about moving him around and holding him and having tummy time... And then even worse, I kept imagining what others were thinking about me or possibly even saying when they saw the spot... I felt the strong urge to always be justifying myself to others! Almost like this one little thing, that really wasn't my fault, defined me as a 'bad' mom!
After days, I finally took a few steps back to realistically assess the situation! And come to find out it's actually a very normal thing for babies since they sleep so much on their back (& it will correct itself). Because I felt like this was all my fault, I wanted to do everything I could to fix it. So of course, I did my research and started doing everything I could, more tummy time, constantly turn his head the other way, positioning him to sleep on his side, etc... We saw the doctor and to my surprise she wasn't worried at all! She said we might see a physical therapist just to double check the muscles because of the tilt, but that she saw nothing to worry about! We've already seen a tremendous difference with the flat spot going away and with the tilt slowly correcting as he develops more muscle with tummy time & bumbo (sitting up) time! ... But, it took me a while to realize and accept this wasn't my fault. And that this doesn't define who I am as a mother. Things are going to happen in life, my fault or not, and I can't sit in self-pity or blame... Once I accepted that, I also had to deal with why I cared so much about what others were assuming... because in all honesty, I shouldn't care! I'm doing the very best I can and being the best mom I know how! And really, that's not for others to judge or question. I shouldn't look to others to define my standing as a 'mom'... I need to look to God! And even in my own doubts I need to remember that I am fully equipped to be a good mom and my confidence needs to come from Christ. Not others or even myself...
... I'm still learning what this fully means and looks like!
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